Island boy turned broker a long way from hom

Two is two;
three, is three,
sometimes I feel
Like a bumble bee,

Its in the boat,
up and down,
The world feels small
With the sea all around.

I made this boat,
From my life’s hard work
Put together with mine own hands
Digestives, teacakes and and tunnocks.

Along this sea,
I feel at ease,
Its soft and tasty,
It’s the fruitcake sea

Come and join me friends,
In my boat made for me,
In a boat made of buiscuits
Sailing along fruitcake sea.

I've just moved to london, from Scotland. For my new career as a broker. I've been writing home (as you do) and its amounted to some 21,000 words in 5 weeks.. Alot of my own head stuff. Everyone seems to enjoy it, and suggested a Blog, so I have taken an extract. If you like this, I'll post some more.

Here Goes....

I seem to be spending so much time in starbucks these days… I dunno, there is something about their inviting environment, like the girls at the starbucks near work, they are fun.. They welcome you in and serve you a coffee.. They like to get to know you and invite you for conversation.. They warm to anyone who offers a smile, it appears they enjoy the break of having some interesting conversation as much as the people who are escaping from their entirely dull offices. I sit in starbucks on Saturdays and Sundays.. sometimes for 8 hours. Watching people, or writing, or reading. I feed of these peoples energy, I feed off their conversations, even when I can’t her them. I watch the people outside, the old lady trying to reverse, the young girl doing a u-turn and getting very embarrassed, the Old lady walking around with Harrods bags and a bottle of beer in her hand.. How that made me laugh.. and how she wondered into each shop, chatting to the girls in the beauty store, the video shop, the off licence… She’s lonely too… Wandering around with her beer… Such a bold statement… Who is she drinking for, herself? Or everyone else?

I sit facing the window, huge window it is too, there are so many goings on that its easy to wile away the hours. In this starbucks, which is about 5 doors down from my flat, there is one seat beside me.. Which I like, the only person who sits there is on their own, and maybe, just maybe I can meet some people.. Today I’m learning Spanish.. Tu eres Muy gapa, entiendo de castellana un mucho poco e habla espaniol un poco.. Aye wotever..

I have a Chai Tea Late with Soya… its really good, I;ve said that before, I’ll say it again.. I ordered a bacon and egg Panini and they burnt the first one, so when they finally brought it over they offered me two free drinks vouchers… How kind.. It seems today I’m going to be here for a while. Various people sit beside me, today I’m not listening to my music because I ran out of battery.. how annoying, yet today I take in so much more than the other days… I appreciate what’s around me rather than being completely internalised.

Soon a young lady walks in, she looks Spanish, she is stunning. I’m nervous already, this is what I came here for, the Spanish girl, so she can teach me Spanish.. this is why I sit in the seat with only one space beside it.. Maybe I shouldn’t go out at weekends, maybe I can meet my future wife in Starbucks on a Sunday..

She puts her bags down on the seat the other side of the door to me… damn… there are two spaces free there… But whilst she is getting her drink another young lady takes the other seat… When the Spanish looking girl returns with two cups of coffee there is only one space.. Ok.. so she is meeting someone… I have no idea why, but I know she’s going to move her stuff over and come and sit next to me.. Then she does… Well I’m the colour of my bright red t-shirt. Although I was asking for this, I’m really nervous. She sits beside me, with her two cups of coffee.. hmm.. thirsty girl? Her right leg is twitching… she’s wired.. Nervous?? Meeting someone…. Angry? Sucking up all the courage I have in the world I ask her.. “are you waiting for someone?” “Yes, I am..” “Almost before she finishes her sentence I stumble “Are you Spanish?” “No, I’m Swedish… everyone says I look Spanish, but I’m Swedish, actually half Indian” “Wow…..you know what I love about starbucks… people watching…”

Why am I trying to prove myself?

A few words, she’s a professional, lives just up the road too, she’s meeting her mum, they own the flat.. She’s nervous.. they have a difficult relationship??? Or there is lots on? Mum is over visiting.. She works for a Swedish bank in some financial Role I couldn’t spell never mind tell you what it is. She’s cute, she’s also watching me… I’m so fkn nervous… I try desperately not to spill my drink… or say something stupid..
“Yeah I love the fact that I walk through the park every morning, no-one but me and the ducks… we have great conversations…”
She thinks your gay.
Mum is arriving, I offer to move over the the other side of the door so that they can sit together… But I do it so rushed there isn’t really a bye, it appears its more of a Thank god I got away from that conversation…
Sitting over the other side of the room I’m still just as nervous… trying not to spill my drink.. She sits with her mum, they are closed body language.. I try not to watch in the reflection of the window but I can’t help it. Now My mind is in overdrive.. Do I walk up and ask her to marry me now… cough… I mean… do I walk up and ask her for her number infront of her mum… She’s nice.. She has a lovely warm smile, nice eyes.. No.. I can’t do that infront of her mum… that’s ridiculous.. ok, so I get a pen and paper and I write my number down, tell her how few people I know here, and she can then decide to call me… No I can’t I can’t ask them for a pen and paper.. They will repeat it when I ask for it loudly and she will hear, and I will be embarrassed… Oh come on… Ok.. So walk up to leave and tell her it was nice meeting her and maybe you could do it again some time and if she says yes then offer to give her my number… No I can’t do that infront of her mum.. I’m wearing a t-shirt and jeans and horrible shoes, I look like a tramp, her mum is going to think her daughter has gone to shit if she sees her with the likes of me.
Mum is looking at me, she catches my eye and she smiles.. Have they been talking about me?? Weird. Maybe… Maybe she is looking at me as being a nice young gentleman for moving over.. Maybe.
All of a sudden they start to leave, and I choke up… everything is on the line now.. don’t miss the moment, do something, quick, react, say something… think…. What… Where is her mum, oh over there… ok where is she… ahaa on her way out… She’s leaving… I say, have a nice Sunday.. She says take care and good luck with everything… FK ….. FK ……She re-meets her mum outside the door they talk for a nanosecond… FK….FK…. And then they part… they go separate ways….? Separate ways……FK … FK…. think think, she’s walking away on her own, this bit is easy… Run… Go get her… F**K … no I can’t… I’m weak… yes you can… go… run.. she was nice.. gorgeous… hot…. Warm… she liked you…. Run….No I can’t I’m weak… I can’t …. I can’t… I don’t…… I didn’t…… She went…. I didn’t… She left…. I stayed…. Its over. I’m weak.

This is the moment during counselling where I used to get most upset.. when I realised that I created events purely to give myself something to punish myself over… I created external scenarios that would mean the critical parent would come and tell me what a dum, weak shit I was.. I found it most upsetting that I was so against harm in the external world, yet deliberately sabotaging myself on the inside world. So I had created another event, wound myself up totally about this random girl, this short meeting only so I could give myself the head fucking that was to come agfterwards… I was never going to speak to her, I was never going to run after her.. I was always going to sit there and watch it all go by. Funny.

I sit for a good while longer, as I know she lives in the opposite direction she went in, the same direction her mum went… So maybe she is nipping back to a shop and she will come past again.. After all I did tell her that I spend my weekends in this very Starbucks.. I only needed to say to her… Coffee same time next week? And she would have said yes…

I missed a moment, a moment for a friendship, maybe more. Last night I realised that it’s completely preposterous to even think for a second that I am looking for anything other than love. This whole single, I want to roam… (nice way of putting it…) Is ridiculous.. It’s totally apparent that I’m lonely, that there’s a void that needs filled. How come I was so sure that I wasn’t looking for that. Now this changes everything.

I’m in love with the scene from Meet Joe Black… I want to meet Claire Forlani and fall in love. I’m hoping to re-create that. I wonder if there is a name for trying to meet people in a coffee shop.. is that drinking coffee with intent? Yes your honour…..Charged, guilty… I’ve been caught red handed, Starbucking with intent.

Well if your ever in town, swing by starbucks and say hi.. I’ll be there… waiting for my Spanish girl.